When it was time to speak with our parents about the transition from driving, my sister, two brothers and I began the conversation with each other by email. We agreed that transportation was only one part of the services necessary for our parents to live as independently as they wished. We decided to divide the communication according to our abilities, and we worked by consensus over many months.

We agreed, in advance, that our goal and hope was to be a support for our parents as they grow older. To that end, we needed to learn their wishes so we could help them on their own terms. We had no preconceived ideas about what was best for them, and we love and respect them far too much to presume to know their needs and desires better than they. We did have clear ideas about safety, and we anticipated that we would need to stand firm and together on that part. We understood we would need to have many conversations over many months, and we agreed that some of us would have one conversation, and others would have another.

We distinctly opted to avoid an “encounter” situation. Maybe we would have done this eventually, if our parents had not been reasonable. But they were paragons of reason. I’m not saying this was easy for them. I don’t think it is easy for anybody. I’m saying that they were willing to have the conversations, and together, we had a successful dialog, instead of a confrontation. Our family experience really resonates with Liberty Mutual’s national survey, which found that an overwhelming majority of seniors are much more open to having a conversation about their driving than their children think. The survey found that 94 percent of seniors would not be embarrassed discussing the topic, and 80 percent said that such a conversation would not make them uncomfortable. Ninety-two percent of the seniors said their children “have a right” to raise the issue with them.

In our family, I started the conversation with my mother. I waited until we were together, and since we live several states apart, that took awhile. I spoke for all the adult children, and I said, “We love you. We want to be sure you and Dad have everything you need to live exactly as you choose. To support your wishes, we need to know more about your needs.”

My mother was half perplexed, and half ready to assure me that she was in control of everything and needed nothing. So I listened and said, “Well, what if the time comes when we need to help you? How will we know what you want?”

“I’ll tell you when the time comes,” she said.

In my family we always say, “God forbid,” before something bad that might happen.

I said, “God forbid, you have a stroke and cannot speak. How will we know what you want or need?”

“I see,” she said.

“I’m assuming you want to stay here, in your own home,” I said.

“Yes, of course,” she said. “Moving out of this house is out of the question.”

“OK, I said, “then that is what we want for you. How do we help you to do that?”

That is as far as we got in that conversation, but it was enough to get started.

Soon, other siblings had conversations with Mom, and she in turn, had many conversations with Dad. Our talks continued for half a year, slowly, lovingly, gently, steadily, respectfully. My brother in the insurance business talked with them about how they might activate their long term care policy, when the time comes, and how they might choose a personal care assistant. My sister, a healthcare professional, asked them for a list of their doctors, with contact information, and about medications they need. My step-brother, an experienced business man and a good negotiator, volunteered to have the conversation about driving with our Dad, who is actually my step-father. He waited for a time when our parents were visiting his home, when he could be alone with his father.

When he emailed us that they had a good conversation, we were all surprised and happy. This was the conversation we were all dreading. My step-brother reported that our father said his driving was just fine. My step-brother did not argue with him but asked Dad if he would agree that he would not be driving forever, and that driving until he crashed was not an option. Dad agreed. My brother asked him if he thought he would need to stop within the next 5 years. (He would be 98 then.) Dad agreed that was likely. Then, my brother concluded, we needed a plan for when that day arrived.

My part of the conversation was senior transportation, and we worked on it, as I hoped we would, while they were both still driving.

To be continued…

Part of our vision for ITNAmerica as a national solution to the need for senior transportation was an annual retreat. We wanted there to be a time and place for ITN Affiliate Communities to share what they have learned. On October 22 and 23, that is exactly what we did. From Los Angeles and San Diego to Orlando and Sarasota, with Lexington, Las Vegas, Cincinnati, and Charleston in between, we came together as one senior transportation family here in Maine, in our old brick mill on the river, to learn and think together about the people we serve — older drivers, caregivers, healthcare providers, adult children, and most of all, older people who need door-through-door and arm-through-arm transportation.

Every ITN Affiliate Community has the same shared mission: To provide a community-based, community supported, economically viable and consumer-oriented, quality transportation service for seniors and adults with visual impairment.

But there are so many ways this can be done. What makes an ITN — Independent Transportation Network — affiliate community so special? I think it’s all in the mission:

Community-based and community supported — this means that every ITN is an independent, charitable, non-profit corporation with its own local Board of Directors, supported locally with volunteer drivers, charitable donations, car donations and CarTrade™, and shared annual community outreach events, like the Walk for Rides™.

Economically viable — this means that economic sustainability derives from reasonable fares from the people who use the service and a diversified base of local, community support. ITN Affiliate Communities may use public resources for up to 50% of their start up funds in the first 5 years, but after that, they do not use public funds for operating expenses. ITN supplements publicly funded service; it does not compete with it or replace it. We’re partners with public transit, not competitors.

Consumer-oriented, quality transportation service — ITN is always, entirely about the people we serve. That is why ITN is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for any purpose, without restriction. We use automobiles exclusively, and a combination of paid and volunteer drivers so we can provide service whenever an ITN member needs a ride. It is the service older people need and want.

At the retreat, we talked about our corporate partners, like Liberty Mutual, about the portal we use to share tools, like the Executive Dashboard, the Wiki and the Forum, about 5 year budgets, volunteer recruitment, and of course our Max and Helen Israelite Volunteer of the Year Awards.

We’d love you to join us. If you’d like more information about how to start an ITN Affiliate in your community, please email info@ITNAmerica.org. We will be happy to answer your questions.

When it comes to older drivers, it is much harder for men than for women to let go of the keys. I have seen baby boys in diapers run across the room and hit the couch by the window at full tilt, just to scramble up into the window in time to see the garbage truck because trucks are so exciting. What is this romance that men have with transportation?

Michelle Huneven’s article in the New York Times is her painfully funny account of her own father’s long and difficult journey from the driver’s seat to the passenger seat. It seems a miracle that he did not seriously harm himself or others in the process.

By her own account, Ms. Huneven’s father experienced dementia, and that may be a large part of the problem. People with dementia not only have an impaired ability to drive safely, they have an impaired ability to know they have an impaired ability. In the end, someone needs to act responsibly for older drivers with dementia who lose their way, literally and figuratively. We need to thank all of the Michelle Hunevens out there who are making these difficult choices. Most of all, we need to help them.

That is exactly what Liberty Mutual is trying to do, in many ways. First, they built a website to help adult children have this difficult conversation with their parents. Then, they developed an online game to help younger people experience what it is like to be an older driver. Finally, they developed a special suit, to help younger people experience what it is like to feel older. It’s a responsible approach that isn’t always easy to accept, but it is absolutely necessary and it will save lives.

It will also provide help for all of the Michelle Hunevans, so we do not have to struggle alone.